Posted in Thoughts

Spring is Coming (8/29/2020)

This was originally created as a book review site. However, I’m in such a reading slump, and as I’m sure no one has noticed, I haven’t posted since the beginning of the year. I’ve only read a couple good books since then, including Tourist Season by Carl Hiaasen (I recommend highly). It was assigned to me by my bibliotherapist, which, if you haven’t heard of, drop a comment or Google it, because it’s incredible. I actually just emailed my bibliotherapist and asked for help to get out of this reading slump. We’ll see what she says.

So, I may post book reviews when I have the time, but I think I’m going to use this as more of a blog space from now on. Blogging was recommended to me by a new friend today, and I told her about my failed attempt at posting book reviews, but I felt the urge today to get some thoughts out. I journaled for the first time in a year, and it felt incredible. Still, I felt the need to put the thought out there, into the void. I figured, since no one ever really got into this site except for me, I could try out writing about my feelings.

Introduction time: I’m Riley, I’m in my senior year of my English – Creative Writing degree, which I have gone for at two colleges – one in Alabama, but I ultimately transferred back to the university in my hometown in Florida. It was cheaper to switch, and I like the school more, but there were also extenuating circumstances that the void doesn’t need to know about quite yet. Writing is my favorite thing to do, and I’ve been doing a lot of creative non-fiction lately, so blogging is kind of a natural extension of that.

Today, I journaled. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. Most of my journal is from my time in Alabama, when I was extremely lonely, depressed, anxious, you name it. Hindsight is so 20/20 though, and I’m realizing that so much as I get older. I thought the problem was me, that everything bad in my life was my fault, my depression’s fault. But it’s so important who you surround yourself with – I had the option to be around good girls who cared about me, but I chose to devote myself to this group of a couple of people who claimed to care about me. The problem is they never showed that they cared about me. I expressed my regret to one of those good girls recently, told her how much I wished I had chosen that group over the other. I’ve been struggling with that, trying not to be regretful. Now, at 21, I really like where my life is going. So it shouldn’t matter what bad choices got me here, right?

I went through my journal, just to see where I had been. I found some amazing quotes that I’m surprised I had the insight at the time (ages 18 and 19) to write. Some highlights include “How very like society to only be attracted to tragedy,” and “I want to be alive, like, Big Alive.” My favorite though is from just a few days before I packed up and left that Alabama school:

“Spring is coming.”

Now, when I wrote that, it was February, so my timing was correct. That was hope, simple hope, because in February of 2019, my life was falling apart. I had no confidence, no self-esteem to speak of. I had no way of knowing that I would be so pleased with who I am today in 2020. Of course, I still have a ton of anxiety about the future – my latest obsession is grad school applications. I think finding that quote, written in my own hand, was a great reminder for myself that no matter how anxious I get, no matter how terrible my life seems, it’s going to get good again. Even when it seems like it never will. It will.

So, those are my thoughts for 8/29/2020. I will update when it suits my whims. If anybody at all reads this, please leave a recommendation in the comments about how to deal with a reading slump caused by the inability to focus on anything for more than literally ten seconds at a time.